By Rena Diana
Middle School Director, Bryn Mawr School
As the school year is launched and our
children are once again taking flight, it is an important
time for parents and teachers to be grounded in
some fundamental, reassuring truths about students in
Middle School. If you were to believe every headline,
article, book review and editorial, you might be rather
terrifiedof this age group- the dreaded adolescents! Some
of you may have seen Diane Sawyer’s show, Primetime
on ABC News, a
few years ago. It featured a discouraging segment
entitled “How
Mean Can Teens Be?” The producers gathered a group
of teenage girls and provided them with computers, webcams,
and cell phones. The teaser on the webpage was “You’ll
find out about a world where, for some girls, being ruthless
is part of life.” Many of you may recall
the cover article in the New York Times Sunday Magazine in
2002 that proclaimed boldly: “Girls Just Want to
be Mean!” While this is certainly a time
when friendships are intense and girls can feel
insecure- and thus not always discrete, sensitive,
and kind- my colleagues and I would counter that
what we see here everyday, for the most part, are
girls actively engaged in learning, eager to do
well and overflowing with dreams, ideas, and energy.
They are also confident- at least on most days.
Recently I had a delegation of 8th Graders
in my office lobbying me with all kinds of proposals
about how to make their up-coming mixer something
special. Bring in a balloon bounce! How about letting
us dance in the streets? Can we
wear formal gowns? How about letting the
girls sleep over afterwards and watch movies? Another
time some 7th Graders
came to see me about ways to recycle more efficiently and
keep the campus clean. Here are excerpts from 6th Grade
speeches of girls running for office (which is over half
the class, by
the way!) Talk about confident!
"I
want to be secretary of our class. My personality combines
the best attributes
for this job; I love to lead and I am well organized."
"I
want to be Athletic Rep because I would make each event
look marvelous with
banners and signs. I would make everything exactly the
way it is supposed to
be."
“I
would make an excellent class president because I’m
very articulate and I have experience talking
to large groups of people. I believe in standing up for
what is right.”
“I
am running for arts council. I believe I would be good
at this job because
I am patient, smart, and very creative. I am also very
organized and you
will not have to worry about me losing the important
papers you give me.”
Young adolescents
are underestimated and misunderstood. They are demanding
and spirited. They bring out the best in adults as we
try to be our
most mature selves and stay at least one step behind them.
We’ll never be one step ahead! That is a reality
we might as well accept. And don’t get entangled
in endless altercations. You will
be the one worn out! As noted middle school educator
Neila Connors said:
"Never
argue with a middle schooler. It is like wrestling with
a pig in mud. The pig
is having fun!”
Keeping a sense of humor is vital when
teaching and parenting an adolescent. Good Middle Schools
resonate with laughter and are designed around the strengths
as well as the vulnerabilities of girls this age. They
combine the best of a classical, traditional education
with the best innovations that modern technology and current
educational research offer.
Often parents
ask me for a few key ideas to remain centered when domestic
tornadoes- the mud wrestling matches- spin out of control.
I am reluctant to give advice, because I realize as a
mother how hard it is to follow it. My years working
with families of students this age, however, have given
me some perspective and some strategies that have proven
to be helpful and effective time and time again. Here
they are:
- Ride the waves through Middle School with your
children…not against them!
- Help them
accept the mistakes they make, for that is how they
learn. Don’t blame yourselves!
Let them make their own mistakes! You’ve already
been through Middle School once. It’s their turn
now!
- Help them understand that not one
single one of us is perfect and trying to
be perfect causes a self-destructive, deflating, wearing
and tearing of the soul.
- Help them
be proud of their own progress, not compare themselves
to others, and to take one step at a time…. realizing that sometimes we all take
two steps forward and one step backwards and that’s
okay.
- Don’t
worry too much!
There will be rough patches. Teachers and parents can
work very productively as a team when we make an effort
to communicate openly and devise strategies to help students
who are in some kind of trouble.
- Speaking of
worrying, as author and psychologist Michael Thompson
counsels, do not “interview
for pain” as soon as your child returns from school
(or ever!) “How was math today?” “Who did you
sit with at lunch?” Did Molly speak to you today?” “Were
you invited to a party this weekend?” The message
you give your child is that there must be something to
worry about!
- Generate conversations with your
children that prompt them to think with an open mind
and to form an opinion about important issues such as
the environment, politics, ethics, different cultures,
and the modern way of life that take them out of their
own small worlds; then show them, by listening closely,
that you really do care what
they think.
- And, best of all, LAUGH with them.
They are truly hilarious and tender, filled with fascinating
contradictions. They are trying very, very hard to please
you and gain your approval, even though they pretend
not to care.
Middle
School is indeed a complicated and emotionally charged
period for most children and their families. It is
also an essential one. I’ve never heard of a
way around it! Adolescence is an ancient rite of passage,
marked by predictable rituals, signposts, and hurdles.
Perhaps the best advice is to remember ourselves as
young adolescents. As one parent commented, “Now that makes
us laugh!” Enough said
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